Jokes

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

Timbuktu poem joke

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"

Me: “I don't know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

2 Little Johnny jokes

Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"

Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "Not in the back."
Johnny: "That's what she said."
Miss: "Get out!"
Jonny "She said that too."

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

Fred, Velma, Shaggy... Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals?

- Rhino

- We know you do, Scooby, but it's not your team's turn.

As the queue of people were boarding the 737, a beautiful young woman who was wearing a very tight mini skirt was about to climb the steps, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the boarding crew, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the crew, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step.
She went absolutely ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!

Boy says - "Mummy why is my younger sister called 'Meadow'?"
Mum replies - "Because she was conceived in a meadow"
Boy asks - "Why is my older sister called Mercedes?"
Mum replies - "Because she was conceived in the back of a Mercedes..... Erm, why all the questions Split Johnny..?"