Jokes

I was asked in class the other day to tell everyone my greatest achievement.

Finding the 'Clear History' option on my computer was apprently inappropriate.

Last time I attend my Daughter's 'Bring your parents to School day' I can tell you that.

OK who else turns up porn really loud and bangs their headboard against the wall, so that the neighbours think you have an exciting sex life?

Just me again then.

Dyslexic kids,

Putting the "sh" into Speshal

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

There was this bar which had a magic mirror -if you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and it sucked her in.

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

Are you male or female?
To find the answer, look down!!!
































Not here, Stupid!

a crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the clerk"i want to open an effing bank account"the astonished woman says"i beg your pardon,what did you say?"."listen up slag,i said i wanna open an account"the clerk says"im very sorry sir but we dont tolerate that kind of language in here"with that she,s goes to get the manager, who says to the old guy"what seems to be the problem sir"?the man replies"theres no soddin problem as far as im concerned,ive just won 50 million and want to open a effing account with this bank" "i see sir"says the manager,and this bitch is giving you a hard time"

a wife always thought her husband was a total teetotaller, till one day he came home sober.

A boy says to his Dad "I've got a part in the school play, as a man who's been married for 23 years."

The Dad replies "nevermind son, perhaps next time you'll get a speaking part"