Jokes

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

I have just found out my best mate is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than his missus.

The wife says she is leaving me and taking the kids because of my addiction to horse racing.

And their off.

The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good.

I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl...

I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…

Some annoying cold caller was trying to sell me a luxury coffin.

I could only say, “Dude, that is the last thing I’ll need.”

A homeless guy found a laptop somebody forgot on the train.

He immediately went and checked out what’s in the Trash bin

Me and the missus watched 3 movies back to back last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

My mate was sacked from his job as a massage therapist.

His boss says he rubbed people up the wrong way.

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.”

To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”