Jokes

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.
"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."
"Were you helping him look for it?" Asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it." I said.

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen, she rushes over and gives him the best blow job of his life. Afterwards he says, "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this...Why? She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fuckin' mop out again!!"

My Girlfriend`s just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I shit myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't fucking open!

I'm never saying hello to someone I know on a flight again. I was making my way to my seat when I saw my my mate Jack sitting at the back of the plane. I put my hand up and shouted, Hi Jack!
I've never seen so many people freeze at the same time, then they kicked me off the plane.

Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F!!!!!

Kate Middleton once asked The Queen

"What's the secret of a long life?"

To which The Queen replied

"Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!

After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?”

And she said, “I don’t think that was good for anybody.”

There are three stages in a man’s life:

Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.