Jokes

Whats long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?

I guess he liked seasoned professionals.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

I got home and stormed at the wife.
I've been told the postman has had sex with every woman in this street apart from one??
Wife said, yeah, and I bet its that stuck up bitch at number 20!!

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

What do you call men who use the pull out method?

Fathers

One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sex. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies, "They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sex to little Suzie.

Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sex on the couch.

The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"

Mom replies, "Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"

Suzie replies, "Cause I saw some icing on the couch."

A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor.

She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it.

One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants.

The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her.

The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily.

Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!"

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat having sex with a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by doing the German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"