Jokes

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go!"

American scientists have managed to revive a caveman who was frozen for thousands of years.
Communications so far have consisted of monosyllabic grunts, but the caveman is confident
he can teach them some words.

Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed.

His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too.

I didn't want to be left behind!"

Two guys are at a bar.

One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!"

The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?"

"Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee."

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath.

Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?"

He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks to loosen you up."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he
was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired
as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband.
"Can you believe my wife told
me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows
the difference."

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"