Jokes

A little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa.
Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol."
Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad?
Uncle Ernie only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle!"

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.


"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.


"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the arse"

When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,


Eventually asking me, "Where can he be?"


" Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots" I suggested


"That's a good idea" she replied


"And peas, onions and gravy" I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks,
"Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

Some bloke walked up to the counter today and said, "Burger and Fries please."
"Certainly sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you prick," he snapped before walking off with his food.
I fucking love working in the prison canteen.

A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search
for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home
to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn’t been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and we had wild sex for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.

My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.

The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.

When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.

As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.

He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."

The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.

On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.

His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.

All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"