Jokes

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die.

A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over.
I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time.

The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

A couple of random jokes here

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Hawaii.
Hawaii who?
I’m fine, Hawaii you?

I’m not a big fan of stairs. They are always up to something

Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables?
Because they’ve found their inner peas.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew

To all those people who don’t know what real panic is:
“Try blocking the toilet in your future parents-in-law’s home.”

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am OK.

Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got fucking expelled!!.

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear.
I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"