Jokes

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here's that £20 I owe you," he says.

Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What runs around a yard without actually moving?

A fence.

I’m really good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?' He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.' I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.' I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?' He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives.

The cucumber says, “My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and to top it off, they put dressing on me as well. My life sucks.”

The pickle says, “That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life.”

The penis says, “Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”

Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….”

The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”