Jokes

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair.

She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The reception was brilliant.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I got hit with a bottle of Omega 3 tablets yesterday.

Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things.

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she wrote in her diary.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.