Jokes

A woman in the UK crashed her car because she was using a vibrator while driving.

The woman is now said to be in "stable, and extremely relaxed" condition.

The driver of the van said he never saw her coming...

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them.

The first one is on the house

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2025

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it

(22-10-2021 20:31 )Tractor boy Wrote:  I hear 40% of pet owners let their pets share their bed, so I thought I would give it a go.

Sadly my Godfish died.

I think you mean put "Goldfish", not "Godfish" LOL - great joke, though!

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed.

She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace.

I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.

It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”

The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.

He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says “i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks.” Johnny replies “i don’t care, i don’t like honey anyway.”

About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies “I don’t care, i don’t like butter anyway.”

Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny’s mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says “do you want to tell her or should i?”