Jokes

my girlfriend said she,d look good in something long and flowing,so i threw her in the river

i woke up this morning with a peice of dried fruit stuck in my arse,i think ive been date raped

the vietnam war. two yanks are in a foxhole with explosions going on outside. one leans over and says 'bro, i really need a shit', second bloke says 'no way are you shitting here, i aint sitting near some rotting turds of yours. look there's another foxhole just behind those 2 trees, go and shit in there', 'ok fine' he says. three hours later he come's back. 'jesus, what happened to you ? i thought you'd been killed', 'well the thing is when i got to the foxhole there was a vietnamese chick in it. and god you should of seen her, the most gorgeous body you'll ever see'. don't tell me you fucked her. 'of course i did, and god it was good. tightest pussy in the world- fucked it for ages, fucked her up the ass too'. 'what about a blowjob' ? nah, her head was missing.

sick.....but well funny.lmao

A man went to specsavers the other day and bought a pair of glasses.....
He got them home and the lenses poped out for a while!
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APPLEE THE ALEX ADAMS FAN!!!!!!

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

* Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

* How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan!

Just a slightly sexist joke...

Why don't you buy a Woman a watch?

There's one on the cooker!

Why don't Women have a penis?

They can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

This one always makes me giggle...

Why did the Woman cross the road?

Who gives a shit! What's she doing out of the kitchen?