Jokes

What do you call it when a vampire has a serious problem in his home?

It’s a Grave problem.

I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?

I’m the main stakeholder.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

You heard the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

At a wedding recently I said to the bloke stood next to me…

“Brides a bit of a dog isn’t she”

“Do you mind, that’s my daughter”

“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were her dad”

“I’m not, I’m her fuckin mother”

I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives forty miles away.