Jokes

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a slick young man leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd replies, "Sure. Why not?"

The driver parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586heep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though no cunt called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked and you don't know shit about my business. Now give me my fucking dog back!"

Went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music...

At first I was afraid... I was petrified

Your computer freezing is just like having an argument with your girlfriend on her period.

Whatever the fuck you do your just gonna make it worse.

^^^^

I went to Ann Summers yesterday and I saw a naked man masturbating by the lingerie section!

I also saw a mirror.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)



The coffin stops.

I'll get my coat...

are you a women by any chance rover? because you have just put me through a very similar experience I always seem to to have with them. You sit patiently listening to one of her anecdotes and at the end you think"she better be the f**k of the century or I will have wasted the most boring few hours I have ever had, which I wont get back.

blues buddy that fooking brilliant,never heard that 1 before.lmfo thanks

Watch what you say
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

A lady walks into a police station and says "I'd like to report a burglary."
"can u describe wot happened?" replies the desk sergeant.
"Yes, i got to the end of my road and saw a man enter my house, grab a few things then run off," explains the woman.
"Could you give me a description?" asks the officer.
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt, green cap and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds like he was an Aussie Batsmen, most probably Phillip Hughes," says the sergeant.
"How the bloody hell did you work that one out?" asks the lady.
"Easy," replies the copper. "You said he wasn't in for very long."

My mate changed his Facebook status to "suicidal, standing on the edge of a cliff".
So i poked him....