Jokes

Just a reminder to everyone who received a book from me at Christmas; they're due back on Monday.

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have many fans.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My Dad said he'd set me up for life, which I thought was great, until I realised he had framed me for armed robbery.

Carpenter ants are just like ordinary ants, except rainy days and Mondays always get them down.

I saw a man going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of rabbit's feet and horseshoes.
I thought, 'He's pushing his luck'

I’ve been reading about the pig heart that’s been transplanted into a man. Amazing. I wonder if they’ll stop there or go the whole hog

Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right.