Jokes

I went to the doctor the other day and said: ‘Have you got anything for wind?’

So he gave me a kite

What’s the difference between the England Football team and a tea bag?“

The tea bag usually stays in the cup longer.

Newsflash!
Someone has collapsed onto the luggage carousel at Heathrow.
A spokesman said; "It's OK, they're slowly coming around."

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work.

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.

Remains to be seen.

Why are bakers so rich?

They make so much dough.

What do you call a hen that can count its own eggs ?

A mathmachicken

My Grandfather told me he saw the Titanic,
It's going to sink, he told everyone but no one took any notice of him.

Why aren't any of you listening to me he screamed, I tell you the bloody thing is going to sink.

In the end, they had to throw him out of the cinema.

"Hello and thankyou for calling the mental health helpline.
In order for us to get you better, please select from one of the following options.
For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder please press 1, repeatedly.
If you are bi-polar please press 0, then *, then 0 again.
If you have multiple personality disorder please press 5, 6, 7 & 8.
For anger management and rage issues please smash up your phone.
For addictions advice please press every key, but it will never be enough.
If depressed please press nothing, because whats the point?
Otherwise please hold the line and one of our councellors, who probably has more mental health issues than you, will charge £50 per hour to listen to you talk yourself into getting better.
Alternatively, you can try our new beta service, called Get a grip & get on with your life which has proven to be very successful.
Thankyou for calling. Goodbye. "