Jokes

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

97% of people are stupid.

Thank God I'm in the other 5%.

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

You heard the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

While cooking tea tonight I got some herbs in my eye.......I am now parsley-sighted.

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing,
"you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle,
"you are the reason I don't love my children".

He smashed the third bottle,
"you are the reason I don't have a decent job".

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.

He hesitated for only a moment and said

"you stand aside, I know you were not involved"

I was talking to my Thai girlfriend the other day and she said we shouldn't let something silly like having a small penis come between us.

I still wish she didn't have one though

An Englishman, an American and an Frenchman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!!

The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The American is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood.

Again the Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The Frenchman is next the Germans line him up and go ready, aim….

The Frenchman confidently yells out Fire fire ….