Jokes

A man walks into a pub and asks the guy behind the bar for a pint, a packet of crisps and a pork pie. He drinks the pint, eats the crisps and then he takes the pork pie, crushes it in his hand, and rubs it into his hair. After this he leaves.

A week later he returns to the pub and orders the same pint, crisps and pork pie combination as he had the week before. Once again he drinks the pint, eats the crisps, and then crushes the pork pie and rubs it into his hair. As soon as this is done, he leaves.

A week after this he returns again. He orders his usual pint, crisps and pork pie. The barman had predicted the man's arrival and was reluctant to serve him a pork pie knowing what he would do with it.

"I'm sorry," the barman says. "But I'm afraid we're all out of pork pies... the closest I can offer you is a sausage roll."

The man accepts the alternative and is presented with his pint, his crisps and his sausage roll. As ever, he drinks his pint, eats his crisps and then he crushes the sausage roll in his hand and rubs it into his hair. As he's about to leave the barman asks:

"Why the hell did you rub that sausage roll into your hair?"

The man turns, smiles and replies:

"Because you didn't have any pork pies!"

In The sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land lady of the local pub, the Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed when she receives her mail:

Addressed to;

Linda Lykes
Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

I walked into a video shop once and asked the person who worked there if I could borrow Batman Forever... she told me I could only have it for three days!

Joke 1.

Has anyone here ever heard the story of the magic tractor?

..........

It went down a road and turned into a field.

Joke 2.

A chav is at his local swimming pool and a lifeguard approaches.

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave," the lifeguard says.

"Why?" asks the chav.

"You've been urinating in the pool," the lifeguard replies.

"So what?" the chav responds. "Everybody does it!"

"I know," the lifeguard answers. "But you're the only one who does it off the diving board!"

Joke 3.

What's green and smells like yellow paint?

..........

Green paint!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

A church gets news that the Pope is to visit them that evening for supper. The priest calls one of the choir boys and asks if he will accompany him fishing, so they can present the Pope with a fresh supper. The choir boy accepts.

On the way to the lake the priest says; "Listen son, we're looking for a special fish today to impress the Pope, it's quite rare but hopefully we will catch one"
Choir boy "whats the fish called Father?"
Priest: "It's called a 'fucker' fish"
Choir boy: "Father, why do you swear?"
Priest "I'm not swearing child - it's simply the name of the fish, a 'fucker' fish"

They fished all day and finally the Priest caught a fucker fish.

They take the fish back to the church, where the choir boy cleans and prepares the fish.
The Nun in the church arrives to cook the meal and asks: "What fish is that?"
Choir boy: "It's a fucker fish"
Nun: "How dare you swear in the house of the Lord!"
Choir boy: "No, no - it's the name of the fish, a fucker fish"

So the Nun takes the fish and cooks a grand dinner for the pope.

That evening the Pope arrives with his people, and they all sit down to eat supper.

Pope: "Thankyou for preparing such a wonderful feast at such short notice. Who should I thank for the wonderful fish?"

Before anyone could answer, the choir boy points at the relevant people and blurts out: "He caught the Fucker, I cleaned the Fucker, and she cooked the Fucker!"

Everyone in the room including the Pope looked stunned. Then, the Pope asks for all of his people to leave the room. The church staff did not know what to expect...

The Pope then puts his feet up on the table, leans back, takes out a spliff and lights up, takes a deep drag and says: "you know what, you cunts are alright..."

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the M1 for a nice evening drive. the top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140Km/h he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, "he thought to himself and opened her up further. the needle hit 150,160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. " what in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car." It's been a long day,"said the cop "this is the end of the shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing anymore paper work, so if can give me an excuse for your driving that i haven't heard before, you can go."

They guy thinks for a second and says," last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Have a nice weekend," said the officer

a bloke wakes up one morning flings his curtains back and gets the shock of his life,sitting in the tree in his garden is a big ape,he quickly grabs his phone and rings the local zoo,who confirm one is missing and that they will send a zoo warden round pronto.in 20 mins a big van turns up and the warden jumps out with a big dog and a gun,he says to the bloke sorry mate but im gonna need your help,im going to climb the tree and shake it like mad till the ape falls out of the tree,then the dogs trained to bite it by the nuts so that we get a chance to bundle the ape into the van,goodplan says the owner of the house,"but whats the gun for?"ah yes replies the warden,if i shake the tree so much that i fall out first,"shoot the fucking dog"

a man and his gf start getting down to it in a forest one night,after 15 minutes the man says"damn,i wish i had a flashlight"his gf replies"me too,cuz yuv been eating grass for 10 minutes and ive been sucking this toadstool."

a husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years"i,ll shoot her just under her left breast"says the hitman.i said kill her not kneecap her replies the husband.