Jokes

What's the difference between light and hard?

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Guys find it easier to sleep with a light on.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said to the men who had been dominated, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your women. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

I have invited a girl from work round to my house tonight for a fireworks party.

I'm hoping to explode in her face.

I've just paid £50 for one of these all in one multi shot fireworks. It reminds me of my wife...

It's a big fat noisy fucker with a short fuse.

You know your love life is down the shit when your best chat up line is 'Do You have Webcam?'

A young boy is having a conversation with his mother:

Boy: "Mummy, is it wrong to have a willy?"
Mother: "Of course not son, what on earth makes you say that?"
Boy: Well, I just walked into the bathroom and saw Daddy trying to pull his willy off."

Tampax have changed the design of their product...Instead of a bit of string they are using a piece of tinsel...but it's only for the christmas period!

Took the mother-in-law out last night.

One punch.

Fucking beauty.

Lol

Why did the chav cross the road?

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To happy slap the chicken!

What's the difference between a job and a pushchair?

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Nobody's ever seen a chav with a job!