Jokes

Two hunters are walking through the woods when one of them collapses. His eyes are glazed over and he doesn't appear to be breathing. In a panic, the other hunter dials the emergency services and says:

"You have to help me! I think my friend might be dead!"

"Calm down," the emergency services operator says. "I can help... now, the first thing I need you to do is make certain that he's dead..."

"Okay," the hunter replies.

The phone falls silent. A few seconds later the operator hears a single gunshot. A moment later the hunter returns to the phone and says:

"Right... I've done that. What do I do next?"

Maths teacher: "If I had seven apples in one hand, and nine apples in the other, what would I have?"

Little Wayne: "Massive hands!"

Maths teacher: "Wayne, if you had six cupcakes, and Sophie took half of them, what would Sophie have?"

Little Wayne: "A fat lip and most of her teeth missing!"

News reports are coming in of a midget clairvoyant who has apparently gone on the run after conning customers.

Police are said to be looking for a small medium at large.

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn.”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by the husband's snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week the husband as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th". The wife poked her husband and he jumped up and exclaimed "Oh my God!". The preacher said " That's correct". The husby soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?". The wife poked her husband again when he jumped up and said "Jesus Christ!". The preacher said "Right again".

With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?". The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped and exclaimed "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-arse.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotopuss.