Jokes

Signs that say "Please use other side walk" make me cross.

Finally figured out what the letters mean when defining bra sizes (A) absent (B) barely visible © come in handy (D) damn big (E) enormous (F) fucking fake.

A bloke is playing darts in the pub. He throws his first dart & hits double twenty. He throws his second dart & hits double twenty again. He throws his third dart & this time it hits the metal wiring on the board, bounces back and hits a nun in the eye who was standing there, instantly killing her. The bloke then leaps for joy shouting:

"ONE NUN DEAD & EIGHTY!!!"

I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about the comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He replied, “Do you smoke or drink alcohol?”

“No,” I said. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”

Th...en he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing football, golf or rugby?” he continued.

“No, I don’t,” I said.

“Do you gamble, ride motorbikes or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said.

“Then, why do you even give a shit?”

How do you get five chavs in a Vauxhall Nova?

..........

Take two out.

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of decency and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat!"
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift by itself."

Birthdays are good for you.

Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest...

How do you know that your at a bulimics birthday party....
The cake jumps out of the girl.

Sex has gone downhill, so i bought the wife a dildo. She said "it looks like a giant carrot"
Which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!

Prostitute, new to the game was told by her pimp "no sex for the 1st 7 days, just wanks"
She asks, "why only wanks?"
Pimp says "union rules, you gotta work a week in hand."