Jokes

A doctor, has come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy, it explains the clitoris and the G spot and even shows you where you are.....
'twatnav' will be in the shops for christmas.

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the west.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips? he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, Well for one thing you are wearing your gun to high, Tie the holster a little lower down your thigh.
Will that make me a better gunfighter? asked the young man? Sure replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
That,s terrific said the "hot shot" Got any more tips for me?
Yep said the old man, Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hit,s it, that,ll give you a smoother draw.
Will that make me a better gunfighter? asked the young man.
You bet it will said the old timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow! exclaimed the cowboy, im learning something here. Got any more tips for me?
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "see that can of axel grease over there" coat your gun with it.
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease over the barrel of his gun.
No said the old-timer " i mean all over the gun, handle and all"
Will it make me a better gunfighter? asked the young man.
No said the old-timer,"But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he,s gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it wont hurt near as much!!!!!!!

I find it very hard to take off a Woman's bra

I shouldn't really be wearing one in the first place.

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband slips his dick in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the fuck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it back, it's caught around my balls!"

I can't wait for this fight tonight. Its the Big man vs little man and its gonna be a knockout!

My son is shitting it.

St Peter is wandering around in Heaven and sees a man walk by. He decides to have a conversation with him.

"How did you die?" St Peter asked.

"Well," the man replied. "I came home from work one night and found my wife in bed with another man. I was so upset that I chased him around my flat, but he escaped. However, in some adrenalin fuelled rage I somehow managed to pick up my fridge and throw it out of the window. Immediately afterwards I suffered a heart attack and here I am!"

St Peter says nothing more and wanders off. Later he meets another man.

"How did you die?" he asked.

"Well," the man replied. "I was having an affair with another man's wife and he came home from work one night and found us in bed together. He was so angry that he chased me around his flat, but I escaped. Next thing I know I get hit by a fridge as I'm leaving the building. Needless to say the fridge killed me and here I am!"

Again, St Peter says nothing and wanders off. Not long afterwards he meets a third man.

"How did you die?" he asked.

"It's the strangest thing," the man replied. "I was having an affair with someone else's wife and she thought she heard her husband coming in. She told me to hide somewhere and I ended up in the fridge..."

A bear, a lion and a pig are having a discussion about which one of them is the scariest.

The bear says "it must be me because all I have to do is growl and everything in the forest panics..."

The lion says "no it must be me because all I have to do is roar and everything on the plains panics..."

"That's nothing," the pig says, "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world is scared to death!"

Grimsby Town 0-2 Bath

Two tap ins, apparently.

Why did the Turkey cross the road.....?
Coz he wanted to prove he wasn't a Chicken.