Jokes

What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?

Rhubarb of course

My wife says that the more beer I drink, the fatter I will get.

Funny really, because the more I drink, the thinner she gets.

My girlfriend left me last week, she said I was too passive and I didn't stick up for myself enough.

I can't argue with that.

Pete goes to visit his mate Steve who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
Steve says,"Can you nip upstairs and get my slippers, my feet are freezing mate".
"No problem" says Pete.
He goes upstairs where he sees Steve's stunning 20 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
Thinking on his feet Pete says,
"Hi girls your dad sent me up to shag you both".
"Fuck off you liar", they reply.
"I'll prove it", says Pete, and he shouts downstairs,
" Both of them Steve?"
"Well of course! What's the point of fuckin' one?!"

Define "Egghead:"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Is anyone else puzzled by womens' magazines with articles like 101 ways to please your man?

I can only think of three: Suck his dick, play with his balls and make him a sandwich.

My wife keeps telling me I'm shit in bed. How she can tell that in fifteen seconds is beyond me.

SING IT GIRLS!

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, lord I almost died.
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong...
and knew that I could take you on
BUT THERE YOU ARE
Another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you brought me a French Fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in your jeans,
Go on now go....walk out the door!
don't you promise me 10 inches and then give me only 4!
You are such a prat to think that I wouldn't find it out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive,
I will survive!
As long as I have all my batteries,
my sex life's gona thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive
I will survive!
HEY HEY!

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest and they see a strange golden frog. As they approach it, they're stunned to discover it can talk. They're even more stunned when, by it's own admission, the frog turns out to be magical and can grant three wishes to anyone who sees it.

The bear immediately asks for the frog to make all the other bears in the forest female, which the frog does.

The rabbit asks for a crash helmet, which the frog gives him.

The bear mocks the rabbit for wasting a good wish, and for his second wish asks the frog to make all the bears in the nearby forests female, and again the frog does so.

The rabbit, while putting on his crash helmet, asks the frog for a motorbike. It appears and the rabbit gets on and starts revving the engine.

The bear, amazed at the rabbit's stupidity, mocks him for wasting two good wishes, before asking the frog to make every other bear in the world female. The frog does so and then both he and the bear wait for the rabbit's final wish.

The rabbit screams off on his bike, and as he leaves, shouts "I WISH THE BEAR TO BE GAY!"

A chicken and an egg are sat in a bed together having just had sex. The chicken is sat smoking a cigarette with a smile on its face, while the egg appears quite upset.

"Well," the chicken says, "I guess we solved that mystery didn't we?"