Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

Buzz Aldrin just got married again.
He must be over the moon.

The missus is upset because I never buy her flowers.

To be honest, I never even knew she sold Flowers.

I just reinsured my car with Hastings Direct.
It's £10.66 per month.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face

My parents are the worst.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun.

The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I have felt a lot happier since changing from coffee to orange juice every morning.
My doctor says it's the vitamin c and the natural sugar, but I think it's the vodka I add to it.

I've been invited to a fancy dress party with a Tupperware theme.

I can hardly contain myself!