Jokes

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

A worker walks into his boss’s office and says “I’ve got three companies after me right now, so if you want me to stay here, I’ll need a 5% raise.”

The boss agrees and the man gets up to leave. As he’s walking out the door, his boss asks “What are the three companies after you?” The man replies “The electric company, the water company, and the gas company.”

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

"Yes, it's February 14.

Why did the husband get his wife a kitten for Valentine's Day?

He thought it was the purrfect present.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned

What did one flame say to another on Valentine's Day?

We're a perfect match.

Weird dream last night. I dreamt I saw Henry VIII on the street asking passers by for change.

Didn't think beggars could be Tudors!

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe, and a fish nobody can find!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.

What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”