Jokes

an raf pilot is flying over afghanistan when he notices a magic carpet on each side of his jet.both with a gunner on board.sensing danger he shoots them both down.when he returns to base he gets a right good rollocking,apparantly they were allied carpets

A guy visits his pal at work. "Wow!" he says, "your new secretary's beautiful.". "Thanks," his mate replies. "she's a robot. Squeeze her left tit and she takes dictation, squeeze her right tit and she types a letter - and you can bend her over and shag her anytime u want!" They guy says, " Can i borrow her a moment?" and drags her to there store cupboard. After a few mins, the friend hears the guy screaming. "Oh! I forgot to tell you - her arse is a pencil sharpener!"

An Italian altar boy goes into church for confession.
"Bless me Father, for i have sinned. I have been with a girl," he admits.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were wit?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, i'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell"
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"i'm sorry, but i cannot namer her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest exhales, sighing in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey, and i admire that. But you have sinned and have to be responsible for your actions. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go home and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "You okay? What'd you get?"
"Four months off and five good leads."

I was crap at school. Messed up my English exam. To the question 'How did the author reach his disturbing climax?' I responded, 'By touching himself, while thinking about cats.'

on a quiet afternoon in the vatican,the pope decides to do a crossword.but after a while he looks puzzled."cardinal"he says to his assistant,"can you think of a four letter word for a woman ending in unt?"the cardinal thinks for a few seconds then replies"ah,that must be aunt".."of course says the pope,do you have any tipex?"

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.

That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

My female science teacher was gloating about how scientists have discovered a way to make stem-cells develop into working semen.

She was telling our class that the human race no longer needed men.

I laughed at her and said;

"Okay, with no men, where the fuck are you going to get a scientist?"

Sure changed her tune. Stupid bitch.

I love shagging fat birds.

You are always guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

I was in my car driving back from work last night.
A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
I said, "One minute, I’m on the phone."

my dads irish and my mums iranian.which means we spend most of our holidays in customs.