Jokes

A man goes to the chemist.
Can I have deodorant please he says.

Ball or aerosol ? asks the chemist.

No, for my armpits replies the man.

I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.

It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

A man goes for a walk in the park. On his walk, he sees two men sitting on a park bench and looking very down.

“What’s the matter?” He asked them.

One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”

Curious, he sits down next to the two men.

“The paint’s wet,” the man says.

If you think time travel is a hassle now, just wait until yesterday.

Husband on his wedding night.
" Darling, I must confess , before I started dating you I slept with a lot of prostitutes"

Wife.
" I thought I remembered you from somewhere "
'

Little boy takes his pet cat to school.

What's that cat doing here ? Asks the teacher.

I heard dad say to mum " once the kid has gone to school I'm eating that pussy " says the boy.

What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.

Bought a Christmas today, the chap selling it asks if I was planning to put it up myself .

I said no, the living room.