Jokes

on his deathbed,an old man smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate cookies coming from the kitchen.so he gathers his remaining strength and makes his way out of the bedroom.spread out on the kitchen table are lots of the biscuits he loves.he launches himself towards the table and reaches out to grab some cookies,his wife quickly smacks his hand and says"keep your hands off those you old goat,there for the funeral"

this bloke fancies a girl in his office,but she has a boyfriend.he decides to approach her anyway and offers her a thousand pound to have sex with him.he says to her"i,ll throw the money on the floor,you bend down and i,ll be finished by the time you pick it up"the girl consults her bf who tells her to go for it.as long as she picks the money up really fast so he wont have a chance.an hour later the bf rings and asks whats going on.she says to him."i can hardly walk,the bastard used pound coins"

after her accident,my nan was given a plastic hip,but i thought they should of replaced it with a slinky,coz if she did fall down the stairs again........

whats the best thing about being 104?no peer pressure

The other day, I watched as another woman inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Like a lot of guys in that situation, I decided to have a wank.

I thought I better stop when I got a disapproving look from the midwife.

Last night, one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.

I was thinking about how the Americans have butchered our language and decided to list a few
'key' words they have spelt incorrectly, i have shown the correct version, then the
American version and noted the letter that is wrong:

English --------------- USA

pyjamas ------------- pajamas --------- Y
moustache ---------- mustache ------ O
colour --------------- color ------------- U

mollusc ------------ mollusk, ---------- C
encyclopaedia ---- encyclopedia ---- A
bannister ---------- banister ---------- N
carburettor -------- carburetor ------- T

cosy ----------------- cozy -------------- S
sulphur ------------- sulfur ------------ P
enquiry ------------- inquiry ---------- E
fuelling ------------- fueling ---------- L
labelling ------------ labeling --------- L

coincidence? xD

apple announed today that it has developed a computor chip that can store and play music in a womans breast implants.the ibreast will cost£499 to£599.this is considered to be a major breakthrough because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

what do a rubix cube and a penis have in common?the longer you play with them the harder they get

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.