Jokes

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

* I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

* So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

* So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

* 'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

5) When I Was Young - A Funny Poem

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

an 80 year old man went to pick up a prostitute and noticed one hooker and started flirting with her.the tart got annoyed and said"get lost,old man,you,re ruining busuness"the man replies"sure would like to get laid tonight"she replies"you,ve got to be kidding!you,re to old,you,re all finished"the old man asked"what did you say?"the hooker says"you heard me,you,re all finished" "oh really " said the old boy"how much do i owe you?"

an old couple are sat in church,and during the service the old fella whispers to his wife"ive just done a silent fart,what should i do?"the wfe replies"you should change the battery in your hearing aid"

In the event of a fire what steps would you take?

.....Fucking big ones.

I was so nervous when I met my future father-in-law that i blurted out, "Sir, May I have your daughters hole in handy matrimony?"

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"

"why is that?" I said

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

What's 69 + 69?

Dinner for 4

im sure this has probably been done,apologies

whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
you can bung your load in a washing machine and it wont keep calling you