Jokes

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Once you’ve seen one shopping plaza, you’ve seen the mall.

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us...

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone!

Did you hear about the guy with an irrational fear of buffets?

He couldn't help himself.

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die?

They dilate.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

After watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do, and had a wank...

The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the hospital!

The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"