Jokes

a man walks into a&e at hospital with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped round his throat.the doc asks how it happened."well,its like this" said the man"i was having a quiet game of golf with the mrs.she sliced her ball into a field full of cows,we went looking for it and i found it stuck in a cows arse.when ilifted the cows tail i said to the wife,hey,this looks like yours"

a woman was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got the urge to pee.so,finding a quiet spot she squats down,has a piss and wipes herself on the petals of a rose.some time later her husband comes along picks up the rose and sniffs it.shocked he phones the local newspaper and says"ive just found a rose that smells like a womans you-know-what"the editor replies"i,ll tell you what,you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose,call me again"

I was introduced to my girlfriends parents for the first time today. They weren't impressed at all by her excessive swearing...something that she had picked up from me.

In an attempt to divert attention I said, "If you're disappointed at what's coming out of her mouth, you should see what she puts into it!".

That didn't go down too well either.

5 year old timmy turns up for his first day at school with a cat under his arm,so the teacher asks him"why have you brought your cat to school?"timmy replies,because i heard dad say to mum when the kids have gone to school im eating that pussy"

I've started cycling to work everyday in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.

So to macho up my image a little bit I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.

What have number 10 Downing Street and Lady Gaga's pants got in common?

There shouldn't be a cock inside, but there is.

whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?a brick will get laid

A farmer's wife was feeling neglected. There was a knock at the door. When she answered, there stood a tramp asking for a handout. She noticed the tramp had very large shoes and she remembered that men who have big feet also have big dicks. So she invited him in.

She gave him a feed and a couple of glasses of wine then took him to bed. When the tramp woke up the next morning, he found £40 on his pillow and a brief note which said, "buy yourself a pair of shoes that fit"

Just got this text:-

Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece!
Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates.
I know it's short notice but if you're free from 1st to 15th December, can you put my bin out?

CUNT!

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