Jokes

A dad takes his young daughter into town. He needs to get a hair cut, so he buys her a muffin to keep her happy while the barber cuts his hair. As the dad is getting his haircut his daughter stands beside him eating her muffin, so the barber turns to her and says
"Watch out, you are going to get some hair on your muffin."
To which the little girl replies
"I know, and I'm going to get little boobies too!"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not
equipped for these kinds of contests.

A good looking chap walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed.

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Yours Sincerely,
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>>Dick van Dyke

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Remember that study a while back where they found that how a woman desires a man is based on her stage of the menstral cycle? Well the doctors found something else:

They found that when a woman is ovulating, she likes a man with rugged facial features. When the woman is menstruating, she prefers the man to be doused in petrol, on fire, and with a pair of scissors sticking out of his temple.

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's perfect....

I was so drunk when I got in last night I picked a fight with a mop.

Wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired cunt.

I got pulled over the other day and the cop told me to keep an eye on my speed.

I was really thankful, I didn't notice it was falling out of my pocket.

A man goes to the library and asks for book on abduction.

The librarian looks it up then with a frown says, "Someone's fucking taken it!"

i was reading in the newspaper today about this dwarf who got pick-pocketed,how could anyone stoop so low