Jokes

Whenever I'm bored, I like to think about people with their hands in their pockets falling over.

What’s the quickest way to get into a girl’s knickers?

Put your legs through the holes.

Isn't it amazing that how when you are extremely pissed, the only thing you can remember is the pin for your bank card?

this bloke was standing next to a fat guy at a urinal,when he,s blurts out i havnt seen my cock for 15 years,a bit taken aback the bloke retorts why dont you diet?the fat man looked shocked and said "dye it,ffs what colour is it now?

1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society

Mary had a little lamb.....












The midwife fainted!

2 Nuns were sitting on park bench when a streaker ran past;
one of them had a stroke, the other wasn't quite quick enough.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:
* the Death Slide,
* the Wall of Fear,
* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well,Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fuckin idiot"



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.


"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?


"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. " Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?


If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang!Sooky {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo sh*t. Someone has stolen tent."