Jokes

Be careful it's windy out there!

Only went out to get the missus some bread and I got blown into the pub!

I used to play piano by ear.

Now, I use my hands.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox all you want and nobody raises an eyebrow

It annoys me no end when people get well-known phrases wrong....

...It's not rocket surgery.

What do you call a typo inscribed on a tombstone?

A grave mistake.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar?

He heard the drinks were on the house.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

The Time-Traveling Toaster

In the year 2025, an eccentric inventor named Professor Jinx had a peculiar obsession: to create the world's first time-traveling toaster. After years of tinkering, he finally succeeded. The toaster, named “Toastmaster 3000,” was no ordinary kitchen appliance. With a whir and a pop, it could transport bread to any point in history.

One morning, Professor Jinx decided to test his invention. He placed a slice of bread into the Toastmaster 3000 and set the dial to "Ancient Egypt." With a flash of light, the bread disappeared. Moments later, it returned, perfectly toasted and with a faint scent of papyrus.

Encouraged by his success, Professor Jinx got adventurous. He placed another slice of bread into the toaster and set the dial to "Medieval Times." The bread vanished, and when it returned, it was toasted and adorned with a tiny knight's helmet.

Excited to share his discovery, Professor Jinx invited his neighbour, Mrs. Bumble, over for tea. He demonstrated the Toastmaster 3000's capabilities by sending a slice of bread to "The Roaring Twenties." The bread came back perfectly toasted and wearing a flapper dress.

Mrs. Bumble, thoroughly amused, asked if the toaster could send her a bagel to "The Dinosaur Era." With a mischievous grin, Professor Jinx set the dial and sent the bagel on its journey. When it returned, it was perfectly toasted, but covered in bite marks. Attached was a tiny note: "Delicious, but more cream cheese next time. - T-Rex"

As word of the time-traveling toaster spread, people from all over the world lined up to experience the magic. The Toastmaster 3000 became an international sensation, and Professor Jinx became a household name.

And so, in the year 2025, breakfast became a journey through time, all thanks to a quirky inventor and his extraordinary toaster.

What do you get if you cut a policeman’s head into 4 pieces?

Police headquarters.