Jokes

What is a cows favourite song?

Moos like Jagger.

I'll get my coat

I bought a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people…

But none of them work.

The Competitive Plant short joke story

Two houseplants sit in a sunny window arguing about who’s more attractive. The cactus brags about being low-maintenance; the fern flexes its lush fronds. One morning the cactus wakes up with a tiny sticky note: “Re: watering schedule — you win.” The fern is smug, the cactus is suspiciously shiny.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A Maybe.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

The Genie That Grants Wishes for Eternity joke story


Charlie thought he had the perfect wife, Sindy. He was introduced to her by a co-worker at his workplace. After eventually meeting her for the first time, she was everything Charlie wanted in a woman! She was beautiful from head to toe, had the sweetest smile he had ever seen, and he loved her long, strawberry-red hair that smelled like fresh strawberries with whipped cream every time she walked by. After a few dates, with them both hitting it off…

Charlie married Sindy.

But soon after, reality hit him harder than a hangover on a Monday morning. Sindy wasn’t the dream girl he thought she was. She was needy, rude, and endlessly opinionated. She hated his rap music whenever he drove her around, and her constant calls and texts — whether he was alone or hanging out with his three best mates, Darren, Tim, and Liam — were driving him up the wall.

So when the lads planned a boys-only holiday to a sunny, unknown corner of Europe, Charlie jumped at the chance.

The Holiday Begins
The four friends arrived at a golden beach, the sun blazing down, waves crashing like applause for their freedom.

Charlie sat under a parasol, texting his older brother Tom and younger sister Sam about how amazing the trip was so far.

Darren was at the bar, trying his best chat-up lines on a pair of gorgeous local twin sisters. Unfortunately, his lines were so bad they made the twins laugh — but not in the way he hoped.

Tim wandered off to a nearby surf shack, renting a board and promptly wiping out in front of a crowd of amused tourists.

Liam, meanwhile, strolled further down the beach and suddenly shouted: “Oi lads, you’ve got to see this!”

The Pathway to Mystery
Charlie, Darren, and Tim jogged over, following Liam down a narrow, sandy path. They passed a crooked wooden sign that read in bold letters:

“ENTER ALL YE WHOM COME!!”

The four of them exchanged nervous looks but pressed on.

There, half-buried in the sand, gleamed a bright golden lamp, shining like treasure under the setting sun.

Tim squinted. “Is that… a genie’s lamp?”

Charlie laughed. “Mate, you’ve been playing too much GTA.”

But Darren, ever the impulsive one, yanked the lamp out of the sand and gave it a rub.

The Genie Appears
With a thunderous whoosh, smoke billowed out, and before them stood a genie — not in robes, but in a sharp, snappy suit, looking like he’d just walked out of a high-end nightclub. His voice boomed across the beach:

“I shall grant each of you three wishes! But beware… the one who rubbed the lamp first shall receive ONE WISH for eternity. That wish must remain unspoken — not to me, not to your friends, not to anyone!”

The lads froze, jaws dropped.

The Wishes
Darren stepped forward first. “I want a brand new, fast sports car!” The genie snapped his fingers. “Wish granted!”

Tim grinned. “I want a PlayStation 5 with GTA 6 included — free, obviously.” The genie smirked. “Done!”

Liam puffed out his chest. “I wish I was rich!” The genie raised an eyebrow, then nodded. “Wish granted!”

Finally, it was Charlie’s turn. He didn’t speak. He didn’t need to. He simply thought of Sindy — sitting on an airplane (she hated flying), rap music blasting nonstop in her ears, her seat crawling with spiders (her worst nightmare).

The genie’s eyes glowed. He leaned in and whispered only to Charlie: “Wish granted… for eternity.”

The Punchline
And so, while Darren sped off in his shiny new car, Tim gamed happily, and Liam counted his riches, Charlie smiled quietly to himself.

Because somewhere, high above the clouds, Sindy was shrieking in terror, trapped forever in her own personal nightmare — rap beats, turbulence, and spiders galore.

Charlie raised his drink to the sky and said, “Cheers, Genie. Best holiday ever.”

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.