Jokes

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and
running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're
dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man, "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"



"Nine..."



EIGHT...."

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.
The man says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot`s don’t get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."

Geordie bloke walks into a barbers and asks for a perm.

Barber says "Why aye, I wandered lonely as a cloud..."

What do you call nuts on the wall?
Wall nuts.

What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin?
A cock in your mouth.

dear itv

after much soul searching,i regret to inform you that i wish to take no further part in the current serries of,im a celebrity....get me out of here!
although to begin with,i was happy with the amount of airtime i recieved,i very quickly began to realise that the general public must hate me.because i have been picked to appear in virtually every bushtucker trial.this has been a real ordeal for me,especially as i have now been bitten by a number of hideous creatures.i cant take it anymore and im sick of being treated like some kind of filthy animal.i just want to get back to my kids

yours sincerely
lenny the cockroach

i get turned on by woman in boots.which is why im banned and now have to buy all my toiletries from superdrug

going to the carwash is like getting a blowjob-its just a flashy way of getting the same result as doing it by hand

the lone ranger and tonto had been riding down the trail all day.when they stop to take a rest.tonto places his ear to the ground and listens."buffalo come"he remarks"how can you tell" asks the lone ranger"face sticky" replies tonto

live on bbc1 tonight,the 2010 world cup draw-except for viewers in scotland,wales and northern ireland,who will get the film out of africa