Jokes

a woman heads to her local bar looking to pull,she spots a well built scouser who,s all by himself having a quiet drink.she sidles up to him and says"fancy a blow job?"the scouser downs his pint in one and legs it out the door,next day he,s in the same boozer and the barman asks"what was that quick exit about yesterday?"she said something about a job"replies the scouse

a man doing market research knocks on a door.its answered by a young woman with 3 small kids running around her feet.the man says"im doing some research for vaseline,have you used it?"woman replies"yes,my husband and i use it all the time for sex"the researcher replies"i admire your honesty,most people lie.can you tell me exactly how you use it?"the woman says "sure,we ut it on the doorknob to keep the kids out"

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

a professer was giving a lecture on"involuntary muscular contractions"to his first year medical students.realising that this was not the most riverting subject,the professer decided to lighten the mood.he points to a young woman in the front row and said"do you know what your arsehole is doing while you,re having an orgasm?"the young woman thought for a moment then said"yes,he,s probably getting pissed with his mates"

an essex girl is crossing the road when she gets hit by a car.as she,s lying on the ground the driver rushes out of his car to see if she,s alright"im so sorry love,i just didnt see you"he says"are you hurt?"the woman says"everyfink is justa blur,i cant see a fing"she says tearfully.concerned,the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.he asks her"how many fingers am i holding up?"she screams"ah fakkin ell no!,dont tell me im paralysed as well"

an indian chief decided it was time to give his three sons their adult names as they had reached manhood.so he gathers themto his tent together with the elders of the tribe.he turns to his first son and says"son,you will be called eagle"the third son interrupts,"father,father,what will i be called?"the chief says"all in good time my son"he continues"you will be called eagle because you are strong and wise"the elders agreed.he turns to the second son,but the third son says"father,father.whats my name to be?rather annoyed the chief says"wait your turn"going back to the second son he says,"son you will be called swallow,but the third sons butts in again,father?but the chief tells him to shut up.the chief continues"you are called swallw because you are quick and cunning"the elders agreed.before he gets the chance to speak the third son starts again"father,father,whats my name to be?"sighing deeply.the chief says"son,you will be called thrush"why is that father?"the chief replies"because you are an irratating c**t" the elders agreed

So there's a programme called 'Hardcore Fishing'. Trouble is when you're going through the Sky TV guide all you can see it saying is 'Hardcore F...'

Gets me excited every time until I press view and realise I'm sat here wanking over a carp.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won't do what she's told.

hickory dickory dock
this tart was sucking me cock
her hair got tangled
she got a bit strangled
but at least she,d swallowed the lot

one xmas morning a police man is on horseback waiting at the trafic lights and next to him is a kid on a shiny new bike.the cop says"thats a nice bike did father christmas bring that for you?the kid says"yeah" so the cop then says"well next year get him to put some lights on it first"then the cop issuses the kid with a £20 fine.the lads takes the ticket and says "by the way,thats a nice horse,did santa get that for you?"humouring the boy the cop says yeah,the kid continues"well ,next year tell him to put the arsehole underneath the horse instead of on top"