Jokes

two flushes, coat hangers and a plunger equals........................................ one massive shit!!!!

a bloke goes to his doctor and says doc"my wifw and i have a problem,she,s just given birth to our first child and everythings seems fine other than as you see i have black hair as does the wife, yet our neworn is ginger" doc says"ok,how often do you have sex?" the bloke admits"about four times a year" "well" says the doc"you,re just a little rusty"

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?” The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says “I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married!” The man says happily, “Sure. That sounds great!” The woman says, “Good… get your own fucking blanket!”

dave says to his mate,"i had a brilliant dream last night"i dreamt id won a car".his mate replies"oh really" and dave says "yeah but when i woke up all i had was the horn"

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. “Come over here baby.” she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, “If your pussy can do that to your panties – I ain’t going any where near it!”

a teenager asks his granny"gran have you seen any pills lying about,i left them in the front room they say lsd on them?" gran says"forget the pills,have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.”

whats red and bad for your teeth? a brick

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.” The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.” The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”

why cant bicycles stand up by themselves?they,re two tyred