Jokes

i installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that i can turn my lights off and on just by clapping,trouble is i hadnt thought it through cus now every time i wank my room becomes a nightclub

18 yr old sits on santas knee. Santa says what would you like for xmas ? Girl says i want some hair round my fanny. santa says would a white beard be ok ?

as a lad i grew up without the internet.i use to enjoy the littlewoods magazine.its middle class porn

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent’s bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, “Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!”

how do elves get medical treatment?on the national elf service

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while fooling around and being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocks the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of 10 and 20 pound notes. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the notes?” to which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. “How did you do tonight dear?” asked her mother. “Not too good…” replied the daughter, “I only got $20 for a blow job.” “Wow!” said the mother, “In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!” “Good God!” said the Grandmother, “In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

Twas the night before xmas throughout the the house, we were all fucked and so was the mouse. dads at the brothel and mums with uncle frank. and i'd settled down for a nice slow wank. when outside the house i heared a right clatter, i let go my cock to see what the matter. Out on the lawn i saw a big dick i knew right away it was old st nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell .The big fat fucker, i think he fell. He filled all our stockings with sweets and some beer , and a big rubber cock for my brother the queer. Then he climbed up the chimney with a thunderous fart , the big fat cunt blew the house apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, Shouting i'll be back next year hope yer chirstmas is shite. Merry xmas.

(28-12-2009 20:13 )ALI 35 Wrote:  Twas the night before xmas throughout the the house, we were all fucked and so was the mouse. dads at the brothel and mums with uncle frank. and i'd settled down for a nice slow wank. when outside the house i heared a right clatter, i let go my cock to see what the matter. Out on the lawn i saw a big dick i knew right away it was old st nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell .The big fat fucker, i think he fell. He filled all our stockings with sweets and some beer , and a big rubber cock for my brother the queer. Then he climbed up the chimney with a thunderous fart , the big fat muffin blew the house apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, Shouting i'll be back next year hope yer chirstmas is shite. Merry xmas.

thanks ali35 thats bloody brilliant.