Jokes

donald macdonald from the isle of skye leaves scotland for the first time to study at an english university,and lives at the hall of residence with all the other students.after a month,his mother comes to visit him"and how do you find the english students,donald?" she asks."mother"he replies "there such terrible noisy people,the one on that side keeps banging on the wall,and the one on the other side screams at me all night long"mother says"oh donald,thats awful.how do you put up with these idiots?" donald replies"i just ignore them and concentrate on playing my bagpipes"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?” To which the guy replies, “I said ‘Hey, this looks like yours hun!’”

did you hear about the man with chronic dandruff who was attacked by a shark?they found his head and shoulders on the beach

I've just bought the 2010 Top Gear calendar.

Clarkson and Hammond aren't in it but May is.

Ask.com.

Google's disabled retarded cousin.

three blokes have been drinking all night when one throws up and passes out on the floor.the other two guys go to the bar and orders two more pints."is your friend not having one?"asks the barman sarcastically.the guys reply"oh,he cant have any more,he,s the driver"

Man is on a long haul flight when he notices that the beautiful woman sitting next him is reading a book called "Strange but true sexual facts"

"Interesting?" He asks

"Yes" she replies, "For instance did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest"

"Oh i'm sorry" she continues "My name's Helen & yours?"

"Tonto Murphy"

a couple are going out for the night and are just about to leave when a stray cat runs into the house,not wanting to shut the cat in the house,the wife decides to get in the waitng cab while the fella goes in to find the cat,the wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty says to the driver"he,s just gone upstairs to say goodbye to my mother" a few minutes later the husband comes out saying"sorry i took so long,the stupid old thing was under the bed and i had to poke her with a stick to get her out"

A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, “Robert proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. ”Because he also told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

a scientist tells his friend"i worked for a decade to develop an acid so strong,it,ll eat through anything".and i finally did it, his mate replies"wow,thats amazing,you must,ve made a fortune?" not really replies the genius,i couldnt find anything to contain it"