Jokes

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.” He beams and asks why, to which she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

two wpc dog handlers were on the beat when one realised she had left her knickers back at the station.her collague said"just let one of my alsatians sniff your fanny and then send him back to the station to get them for you" the wpc lifts her skirt,the dog gets a good sniff then off he runs.he returns shortly with the knickers plus two truncheons and the desk sergeants cock in his mouth.

Your mom was great last night, but a bit on the expensive side.

bloke goes into a brothel and says "i'm a bit kinky,how much for total humiliation?" the madam tell him £37.50.
"wow,what do i get for that? he asks. she replies a fucking derby county shirt!

a fat girl served me my food in mcdonalds today,she said"sorry about the wait" i replied "dont worry fatty,i dont find you attractive anyway"

prince charles arrives in iran on an official visit and says to the president" wheres the shah?"
the president replies"what do you mean?,there isnt one,we got rid of the shah years ago"
"in that case"says charles"i,ll have a bath"

A guy walks into the local pharmacy and heads to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, “I’d like 99 condoms please.” With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, “99 condoms? Fuck me!” to which the guy replies, “Make it 100 then.”

Women who say 'The process of child birth is the most amazing thing in the world' have obviously never listened to a music playlist on random, and guessed the next track.

Got a girl back to my place last night but it ended with erection problems.

She had one.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Daddy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All dads know this stuff. It's on the Daddy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a daddy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the mommy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.