Jokes

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? . . . You put a nipple on it.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother, he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

What's the difference between oral and anal sex? . . . . . . . Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

How many screws in a lesbian's coffin? . . . . . None! It's all tongue and groove X X

you,re trapped in a room with a tiger,a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
you have a gun and two bullets,what should you do?
shoot the lawyer ....twice...lol

No tubestation I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

I was driving down the motorway early this morning when I noticed a car in front of me was wandering from lane to lane, when I got closer I could see it was a woman doing her make up using the rear view mirror.
I was so shocked I nearly dropped my razor in my coffee.

My wife asked me to make love to her like it was the first time again.

So we went to the Asda car park. I couldn’t get it up then came in my pants and drove home in tears.

I didn’t realise she meant our first time.