Jokes

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out “Watch that fucking wall!”

son said to his dad"where did i get my inteligence from?" dad replies "well son it must of come from your mother because ive still got mine"

did you hear about the couple who after 20 years of marriage finally achieved sexual compatatibility?they both had headaches

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm cumming!"

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick...

Q: What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits?
A: A shotgun

Q: What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
A: Turn the grill down.

Q; What's tougher than a Pitbull with AIDS?
A: The guy who gave it to him

Q: Whats Long, green, and smells like bacon?
A: Kermit the frogs fingers

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common?

You don’t look down.

What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?

You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker.