Jokes

What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, it’s not your phlegm.

A girls prayer - Our Marks, which art with Spencer, hallowed by thy food hall, thy Gucci watch, thy Kookai bag, in hermes, as it is in Harrods, give us each day our Visa Gold, and forgive us our overdraft, as we forgive those who stop our Next Gold, and lead us not into Dorothy Perkins, and deliver us from Topshop, for thine is the Naff Naff, the Cartier and the Versace, for Gaultier and Eternity, AMEX

My sister answered the door the other day. She went into the kitchen and said 'dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head'. Dad said 'tell him thanks, but i already have one!'.

Media gaffes - as said on Metro Radio - 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they have eleven Dicks on the field'.

3 women were changing in the gym locker room, when a guy runs through, naked apart from a bag covering his head. As he passes the 1st woman, she looks at his penis and says, 'He's not my husband'. The 2nd woman also says, 'He's not my husband either' not recognising his unit. The 3rd woman says 'Wait a minute, he is not even a member of this club!'.

an idiot entered a chiropodists thinking it was a brothel.the lady chiropodist told him to remove his shoes and socks,lie on the couch and said"i will return in a minute"when she came back the man was lying on the couch stripped bollock naked with a donkey sized erection.the chiropodist screamed"thats not a foot" to which the bloke replies "i know,but its a good 10 inches"

amy winehouse bumps into jeremy clarkson at a party and asks"what do you do?"jeremy replies"top gear" wino says"great,i,ll have four grams"

a man and woman are involved in a car accident.both of their cars are write offs but neither of them are hurt.after they crawl out of their cars the bloke starts yelling about woman drivers.the woman says "wow,just look at our cars,theres nothing left yet we are unhurt,this must be a sign from god that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days." she continues"and look at this?my cars totally ruined but this bottle of champagne didnt break.surely god wants us to celebrate"the man nods in agrement ,opens it,downs half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.the woman takes the bottle put the lid back on and hands it back to the man"aint you having any?"the bloke asks.she replies"no,i think i,ll just wait for the police"

Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“Ok, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc. I’ve been screwing the maid too and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up.” Replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, ” I think my wife now has it too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

Clearly defined!!
Anal Boot [n] – An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the
mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

Australian Death Grip [n] – The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you’re slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars.
Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

Beef Curtain [n] – The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon
Sandwich).

Blocking the Box [n] – When you and your pal are
double-teaming a chick – he’s got her from behind, you’ve got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).

Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] – Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: “John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night.” (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )

Consolation Prize [n] – When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you’re going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you’ve been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn’t get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

Cum Dumpster [n] – Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.

DDF [n] – Distance Distortion Factor – refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection – “good from far, far from good”. Used in a sentence: “Woah, she’s hot… wait a sec…ugggh major DDF!”

Fugly [n] – Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: “Damn that bitch was fugly!”

Fumilingus [v, n] – When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

Game of Smiles [n] – This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who “smiles” has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Going to the Bullpen [v] – The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of “paves the way”.

Goobin [n] – One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one “main” wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence “Goobin” – a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: “Mary’s one of John’s goobins”.

Jim Henson [v] – When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppet, Ass Puppet, Meat Puppet)

Kennebunkport Surprise [n] – The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while chewing box.

Leave-in Conditioner [n] – Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman’s hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

Matching Drapes [n] – Reference to whether or not a woman’s pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: “Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?”

Paying the Rent [n] – A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.

Pencil Sharpener [n] – A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.

Reading the Defence [n] – The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. “Reading the Defense” refers to making all of the proper “game time adjustments” as to not get caught cheating
later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

Rusty Trombone [n] – The process by which one person is tossing a guy’s salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.

San Diego Surprise [n] – The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

The Southern Trespass [n, v] – The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in
intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly
switches from the woman’s vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] – An expression for when you’ve just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of fucking Fat Fanny’s loose gash.

Tossing Salad [n] – Licking another’s anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.

Twinkler [n, v] – When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.

Tupperware Party [n] – When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.

Times Square Shuttle [n] – You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)

Valsalva [n] – The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman’s nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward!