Jokes

How many divorced men does it take to screw a lightbulb?

No one knows they never get the fucking house.

i brought my bed from ikea,which is fitting really,because beds are very much like ikea-easy to get into but impossible to get out of

(10-01-2010 21:25 )85stevewest Wrote:  i brought my bed from ikea,which is fitting really,because beds are very much like ikea-easy to get into but impossible to get out of

never a truer word spoken / and add a sexy lady in it and you never wanna leave it


What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?

No ball room

a tax inspector visits a synagogue.after going over the records he,s struggling to find anything at fault so he asks the rabbi what he does with the wax that falls from the candles.the rabbi says"i collect all the wax and send it to the candle maker,after a while he sends me a complete candle"foiled,the inspector tries to find something else.he asks the rabbi what he does with the crumbs from the biscuits used in ceremonies.the rabbi says "i collect the leftover crumbs,and send them to the biscuit maker.after a while he sends me a biscuit.the inspector is frustrated again.after some thought he asks the rabbi what he does with the foreskins that are removed at circumcisions."well",says the rabbi."i collect all the foreskins and send them to the local tax office,and after a while they send me a complete dick"

a young office worker is leaving work late one night when he sees the company ceo in front of a shredder with a peice of paper.he says"this is a very senitive document and my secretary has gone,can you make this thing wotk?" the worker says"certainly" he switches on the machine,inserts the paper and presses start."great" says the ceo"i only need one copy"

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn’t have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he’s looking for and spends £10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, “Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!”

The hooker replies, “Hey, old man, what did you expect for £10? Lobster?”

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

we brought a new car and the wife crashed it.i said"what happened?"she said"there was a pine tree,i went to the left it swung to the right.i went to the right and it swung to the left"i said "ah yes love,that will be the air freshener"

went up to a girl and said"want me to show you a trick?"she replied"whats that?"
i said"we go back to my house,f**k and then you disappear"

im not saying petrol is expensive these days but even the taxi drivers have started taking the shortest route