Jokes

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

sex is like a restaurant.sometimes you get an excellent service.sometimes you get a very poor service.sometimes you get no service at all.and sometimes you just have to be happy with self service.

What if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

We’d be eating pussy every Thanksgiving.

What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?

They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

You couldn't be called Jack if your an air line pilot.
You'd walk on the plane, your co-pilot would say 'Hi Jack'...and everyone would start screaming

I got a job in Burger King and Andrew Llyod Webber walked in,
he asked 'can i have two whoppers'
i said, 'your good looking and your musicals are great!'

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a football match. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about football as they do, and they’re really impressed. After the match they ask her “how is it that you know so much about football?”

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.” The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. “What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off your balls?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they… cut my salary in half!”

What do you call a woman with an opinion?

Wrong.

Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"

Control tower: "What airline is this?"

Pilot: "What difference does that make?"

Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic, it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."