Jokes

Scientists have invented a new contraceptive pill for women. Guaranteed no side effects, only trouble is that each pill weighs half a ton.Women dont take pill internally, just roll it against bedroom door and their old man cant get in!!

pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminds her husband “Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour.” The husband replies “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”

whats the similarity between kodak cameras and condoms?
they,re both there to catch those special moments

At school we discussed the great rulers.

I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.

sorry for this one

my girlfriend has epilepsy,last night she was fondling my dick when she had a fit.it was the best hand job ive ever had.

How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

two blokes are sitting in a pub.one says"after 10 years of marriage,blow jobs are down to three a year"the second guy says"tell me about it,though to be fair.if my wife didnt sleep with her mouth open id get none at all"

What does bungee jumping and prostitutes have in common?

They both cost a hundred quid and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

i told my girlfriend id managed to get a job in a bowling alley.she said"ten pin?" i replied"no! permanent"