Jokes

so i went to the record shop and said"what have you got by the doors?"he said"a bucket of sand and a fire blanket"

A bloke says to his mate, "I tried to take my own life last night - I tried to take a thousand asprins."

"Fucking hell, what happened?" asked his mate.

"I felt better after two."

What's the difference between a male chav and a female chav?

Female chavs have a higher sperm count...and can spit farther!

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet then".

what do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon?siesta rantzen

albinos.....you cant say fairer than that

i was in the army once and the sergeant said to me"what does surrender mean?"
i shrugged my shoulders and said"i give up"

i was taking the moterway out of london,a policeman pulled me over and said"put it back"

i saw a bargain the other day, a tv for only £1.only problem was the volume was stuck on full.i though wow,how can i turn that down?

My son was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was shitting bricks for a few days.

The ultimate dilemma:

Whilst having a wank when watching porn, do you;

a) Wear headphones and risk not hearing someone coming up the stairs

b) Put the sound on low and risk one of the girls moaning louder than you expected, thus alerting everyone in the house

c) Use just one headphone but run the risk of only hearing the bloke in the movie grunting