Jokes

i'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that gavin from autoglass came round and injeacted that special resin into her crack...... ! she hasn't even got a car !!!

I once knew a lass from Tacoma,
whose twat had a wondrous aroma,
when the lads took a whiff,
about half would get stiff,
the rest would fall into a coma.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.” The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for fucking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted! They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!” To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

a bloke walks into the doctors and says"every time i poo it comes out like chips"the doctor is intrigued and says"if you,d like to bed over and drop your trousers,i,ll have a look"the bloke complies."ah,i can see the problem here,pass me those scissors will you?"says the doctor."scissors?,the man protests.what the heck for?"the doc reassures him and begins snipping away,and the bloke doesnt feel a thing.doc says"there you go,come back next week and let me know if thats better"a week later the bloke returns and says"thanks doc,its all good now,so what was the problem?"the doctor replies"nothing much really.i just took two inches off the bottom of your string vest"

a very naive british sailer is in a bar in london.he meets a wild girl,and she takes him upstairs,takes off her jeans and panties.he looks between her legs and says "whats that?"she says"its my lower mouth"he asks"what do you mean,your lower mouth?"she said"just what i said,my lower mouth.its got a moustache,its got lips...." a little confused the sailer asks"has it got a tongue in it?" the girl replies"not always"

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” she snarled. ”There is…” he replied. “Breakfast.”

a fella goes to a bar,picks upa woman and later they go back to his place.she unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick."WOW" he says"you handle my penis really well" she replies"i should do,i used to have one just like it.only longer"

I was just chatting with my aunt on my mother's side.

They're conjoined twins.

Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?

The Spice Girls!