Jokes

i realised i was dyslexic when i went to a toga party dressed as a goat

My wife isn't that bothered about Valentine's Day today.

The fat bitch is too excited about pancake day on Tuesday to even care.

I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7.

I call it: Windows 98.

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?

He liked a good croak and dagger.

Thought it was funny

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing

Hmm... no cards this morning for me.

Must be because there's no post on a Sunday.

That's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.

if you,re being chased by a police dog,try not to run through a tunnel,then onto a seesaw,then jump through a hoop of fire.they,re trained for that.

A scotsman has been seen walking around glasgow with a wellington on his penis. Police say theres no cause for alarm he's obviously just fuckingaboot !

A blind man went for a job in a wood yard, saying he could identify any wood by its smell. They tested him on several different types & he guessed right everytime. To try to catch him out, the secretary stripped her clothes off & lay naked on the floor with her legs open ? He sniffed & said he wasn't sure so he ask for the wood to be turned over. He sniffed again & said ! Ye cannyfool me, it's a old shithouse door off a fishing boat !